- Do you struggle with Low self-esteem?
- Do you behave overly shy around others?
- Do you have difficulty in social settings due to a lack of social competence?
- Do you associate obedience and success with love?
- Do you doubt your abilities and struggle with accepting yourself as you are?
- Do you worry excessively about meeting others’ expectations and avoiding making mistakes?
- Do you have difficulty expressing and regulating your anger?
- Do you find it challenging to use your critical thinking skills?
If you answered yes to more than 3 of the above questions read on to find out why!
Now let us explore what was your home environment like while you were growing up. Read through the following questions and reflect on whether they resonate with you.
- Did your parents have an extensive list of rules that you were expected to follow?
- Do you feel, when you look back at your childhood, your parents had a “ Children should be seen and not heard” approach to parenting?
- Did your parents assign household chores to you when you were rather young?
- Did your parents use threats or punishments to keep you from disobeying them?
- Do you feel your parents controlled and micro-managed all aspects of your life?
- Did your parents often seem cold, distant and harsh while at the same time offering little encouragement or praise?
- Do you recall your parents rarely allowing you to make your own choices?
- Did your parents react swiftly and harshly when their rules were broken?
- Did you feel your parents were impatient with you when you misbehaved?
- Did you always get the feeling that your parents did not trust you to make good decisions?
If you answered “yes” to most of the above questions, it is safe to conclude that you grew up in a home where authoritarian parenting was the norm.
Authoritarian Parenting is a style where parents have very high expectations of their children but provide very little in the way of feedback and nurturing. When feedback is given, it often is negative, and mistakes tend to be punished harshly. These types of parents believe in punishment rather than discipline.
Rather than valuing self-control and teaching children to manage their own behaviours an “Authoritarian Parent“ focuses on adherence to authority. These parents do not encourage independence and communication tends to be one way, from parent to child. Their focus is more on obedience and less on nurturing.
How did your parents come to adopt this approach to parenting ?
The answer lies in the probability that they were raised by “Authoritarian Parents” themselves or, were raised in an authoritarian culture. These type of parents tend to score lower on the personality trait “agreeableness“. Less agreeable people tend to be less empathetic and more hostile.
Adults raised by authoritarian parents often doubt their worth, as they were frequently judged based on their ability to follow rules and meet high standards. This can lead to a constant need for approval and validation from others. Since as a child, you were not allowed to or encouraged to think for yourself, make choices or solve problems independently – you now most likely struggle with problem solving and decision making.
Adults raised in such environments often exhibit perfectionist tendencies by constantly striving to meet unattainable standards. This relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression.
How does one overcome the impact of authoritarian parenting?
Gaining self-awareness is the key. Understanding the impact of your upbringing on your thought patterns, emotions and behaviours is the first step toward healing.
Developing self-compassion is a critical part of this process. It is essential to remember that it was not your fault if you were raised in an authoritarian home. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge the strength it takes to overcome the impact of this kind of parenting style.
Therapy can be an invaluable resource in this journey. Support groups both online and offline will also prove to be beneficial. Lastly self-care practices such as regular exercise, a balanced diet, adequate sleep, mindfulness exercises will help you along the way to reclaim yourself.