Understanding The Basics of Anger

Anger can be defined as an emotionally charged, morally neutral response meant for self-preservation. Anger is neither good nor bad – it is simply an emotion.

Anger has the potential for great use and misuse. It can be motivating, helpful, and constructive but it can also be damaging, harmful and destructive. Most of us think that we should be less angry but many of need to be angry more but for the right reasons and in the right way.

The basic function or purpose of anger is to protect and preserve.

When we feel threatened whether emotionally or physically it activates our survival instincts. Anger is the signal that something is uncomfortable or wrong. Though it can motivate us to protect and preserve what is right – it is unfortunately used to protect us in unhealthy ways, which keeps us from facing the real problem.

Anger becomes a problem when it is used in the wrong ways, occurs too frequently, lasts far too long and results in inappropriate behaviour. Anger becomes self-righteous when our energy becomes          focused on preserving and protecting only our interests.

We need to ensure that our anger does not become self-righteous.

Most of us don’t want to admit that we are angry because we have grown up with the belief that anger is bad and therefore should be avoided or ignored, at all costs.

We spend a great deal of time and energy trying to control or deny our anger. Some obvious signs that we are feeling anger are screaming, threatening others, becoming hostile, becoming violent, giving the silent treatment, blaming others, becoming pushy and aggressive.

Some subtle or not so obvious signs that we are angry are – we become withdrawn, withhold affection, become sarcastic, feel shame, we feel self-hatred, become self-centred, feel self-pity, we gossip and slander, we become despondent, we pretend we do not feel anger.

It is important to understand that when we get angry, we respond in different ways at different times - depending on the situation.

How was anger expressed or experienced in your family of origin ?

 How each of us display anger is influenced by our personality, current circumstances, our cultural conditioning, our gender, our age and past experiences. Those of us with more vocal personalities are generally more likely to communicate and vent out our anger. Some cultures embrace the assertive expression of anger while other cultures view anger as a problem to be overcome. Each culture determines when an angry response is appropriate and how that response is to be expressed. At an early age, children are allowed to cry, pout and whine but the older they become they are taught that these are inappropriate reactions.

When it comes to gender appropriate expression of anger, most societies see that it is generally more acceptable for a man to express anger than a woman; a man is viewed as assertive, while a woman is viewed as aggressive if she expresses anger.

When someone is angry at you how do you respond? As a child, did you tell yourself that it was your fault- that you are not good enough, that you are bad, you are going to get back at them?

As adults we generally respond in a grown-up version of our childhood responses – we try harder, we aim for perfection, we rebel and fight the system, we try to be seen and not heard.