Stuck in a Rut – Could it be you are in Self-pity mode ?

“Self-Pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics, it is addictive, gives momentary relief and separates the victim from reality.” – John Gardener

Everyone feels self-pity from time to time. It is part of life to feel sorry for ourselves when experiencing challenging situations. Self-pity is one of life’s natural responses to certain life events. It can be a response to some sort of loss, illness or stressful situation.It can be self-soothing and allows us the time we need to work out what we need to next.

However, self-pity is never the solution in and of itself.

 Basically, self-pity comes about when we see unfavourable things that are due to external factors, which we perceive, as out of our control.

Someone who has excessive self-pity is also most likely lacking the capacity or has not learnt how to self-reflect. This could be due to their childhood conditioning, where in their family of origin – they were taught to look for external factors to blame for things not going their way or as they had planned or hoped it would. Someone who wallows in self-pity does have the tendency to compare themselves and their lives to that of others and this could stir up feelings of anger and envy which is also a cause for self-pity.

Why do people choose to stay in self-pity?

It is natural for us to plan for the best outcome and simultaneously worry about undesirable outcomes- in an attempt to avoid them. Self-pity can be a form of mental control. If we feel we have a perceived sense of control over our own suffering, then the hardships we experience or predict that we will experience – may feel less threatening – it is as though we are preparing ourselves for inevitable pain.

Generally, people do not want to admit that they are negative or have a victim mentality. Research shows that having a poor me/victim mentality keeps us in a state of perpetual self-pity and self-destructive behaviour. Self-pity makes us feel like nothing ever goes our way and so there is no point in trying.

Here are some of the most common reasons people choose to stay in self-pity:

• It gives us the right to complain and receive attention and sympathy.
• Others feel sorry for us and this makes us feel loved or cared for.
• People are less likely to criticize us or upset us.
• Others feel obligated to help and meet our needs and wants.

Bad things really do happen, often to people who have done nothing to deserve them. It is understandable that people who face one difficulty after another, may start to believe the world is out to get them. But what many do not realize is situations do involve varying degrees of personal responsibility. Someone who fails to consider this may not learn or grow from the experience and could end up facing the same situation over and over again.

People who come from a place of victimization may show little interest in trying to make changes, they may reject offers of help and it would seem like they are only interested in – feeling sorry for themselves.

Many people who feel victimized believe they lack the power to change their situation. Be mindful, that there is a difference between being unwilling versus being unable to change the situation. Some of us who feel like victims, do make a conscious choice to shift blame and take offence. Negative self-talk goes hand in hand with self-pity. Self-pity is not something that a person can suddenly snap out of. Sometimes, what you are feeling presents itself as self-pity, but it really could be a need for validation.

What is the antidote to Self-Pity?

 The best way to snap out of Self-pity is to have a strategy to interrupt it when you feel it is coming on- this requires self-awareness and compassion for yourself. By reminding yourself that everyone struggles and has bad days, you can help shift your perspective. Self-pity becomes a negative thing because it maximizes the victim mentality.

If you believe, you hold the role of the victim, you are removing your power and your personal responsibility.

Becoming more mindful will help you stay out of self-pity because when such thoughts come up you tell yourself to let them pass rather than allow yourself to dwell on them.

Refuse to be a victim – Embracing a victim mentality is often the cause of self-pitying behaviour. As a victim someone else tries to save us from our problems. This means we feel nurtured and helps us know someone cares for us, so we feel significant. However, this can become a destructive cycle and would lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, take a stance refuse to be a victim, handle things like a responsible adult and analyze your part in any situation.